Dear Osama...

I had a dream that the following communication fell into my hands. I read it and woke up screaming…


TOP SECRET: CLASSIFIED!

TO: Osama bin Laden
Tribal Areas
Pakistan

FROM: George W. Bush
Leader of the Free World
Washington DC


Dear Mr. bin Laden,

It’s been some time since we’ve heard from you. I trust you are well and taking good care of those kidneys!

This is a hard thing to say so I’m just going to say it. I could use some help. As you’ve no doubt heard, my poll numbers are tanking. There’s even a growing call for my impeachment! Early in my first term I wasn’t all that popular but that stunt you pulled on 9/11 really gave me the boost I needed! It allowed me to, among other things, invade Iraq, suspend habeas corpus, spy on anybody I please—and convince a terrified American public that these actions made them safer. It allowed me to prudently conduct the people’s business by helping the rich get richer via my War on Terror®. My WOT® uses up a lot of expensive weapons and equipment that need replacing by the good hardworking folks at Lockheed, General Electric and Martin Marietta (to name but a few). Dick’s friends at Halliburton have sure appreciated all the contracts we’ve funneled their way. The oil and coal and gas and lumber and chemical industries have also been thankful for the hands-off approach my administration has employed to help them out during this trying period. Naturally the poorer citizens of our nation have had to make tough patriotic sacrifices via cuts to their sundry social programs, letting their devastated neighborhoods in New Orleans stay devastated, etc. etc.

Now Mr. Laden you know good and well we didn’t try all that hard to catch you. We need you on the loose to keep our people on edge. When most of our fine citizens saw those twin towers coming down and your crazy Arab preacher routine (no offense) they were ready to use the Constitution and the Bill of Rights for toilet paper. Let’s face facts. What you did was good for me. I hit the Trifecta: a blank check to attack Iraq and all the stuff I just mentioned—and I returned the favor. I let you get away safely to the tribal areas and you remain the Number One Boogie Man to the American people. And don’t forget, not only did I let you go, I’ve also helped you by playing Number One Boogie Man to your followers: slaughtering hundreds of thousands of Iraqis, giving Israelis the permission and the cluster bombs to blow the Palestinians to kingdom come, torturing Muslim prisoners, etc. etc. Don’t tell me that this hasn’t helped Al Qaeda’s recruitment and fundraising efforts!

Anyway that’s the good news. The bad news is I’m in a death spiral in the polls. It seems the American people have stopped being scared out of their wits by you and your organization. They just don’t seem to appreciate that we are at war! They’re starting to pay way too much attention to the unusual way Dick’s been running the executive branch.

There’s only one thing I can think of that could turn this sorry state of affairs around. As that dirty magazine publisher Larry Flynt once put it, “After 9/11, the American People would have rallied behind Ronald McDonald.”

Exactly.

Now I’ve done my part, Osama. It’s your turn. Laying low in some cave has gotten old. You don’t want to be known as “Has-bin Laden” (joke). You need to do something! God’s Chosen People® have warned us that if we don’t bomb Iran they will. With our numbers this low and those damned Democrats running Congress we need some serious cover and justification to accommodate them. Are you reading me? Now don’t overdo it. We don’t want a dirty-bombed city or a major port nuked. Business is business, after all. Maybe the Statue of Liberty (it’s French anyway) or perhaps Hollywood. Maybe New Orleans’ Lower Ninth Ward (that’s another joke—even you couldn’t do any more damage to that place).

In short we need to “hear” from you soon! Just remember, you need me as much as I need you.

You have to admit we make a pretty good team!

Cordially,

[SIGNED]

George W. Bush